You have seen the articles. “15 foods that make you sick” or “stop eating that fat fool”.
They’re usually written by a registered dietitian or nutritionist and contain groundbreaking revelations like “too much sugar is bad for you” and “bacon is a bullet that you eat.”
They then try to suggest healthy substitutes for your favorite foods, and it rarely works out.
Replacing Sugary Breakfast Cereals
“Make your own oatmeal from scratch!”
I am convinced that oatmeal is a lesser-known punishment for humanity’s original sin.
I’m sure God told Adam and Eve as they were leaving the Garden of Eden, “Oh, and this is what you’re going to eat from now on. It’s called ‘oatmeal’. Maybe you’ll listen next time.
Replacing Soda
“Adding a slice of lemon to water can provide a burst of flavor!”
No. Adding a slice of lemon to water makes lemon water.
When I need a Coke Zero, no amount of watered-down citrus will replace my caramel-colored caffeinated effervescent vehicle.
Lemons may prevent scurvy, but they don’t make my smoothies go away.
Replacing Fried, Grilled, or Broiled Food
“Choose healthier cooking methods like boiling or steaming!”
Because nothing hits the spot like a cooked Quarter Pounder topped with steamed bacon.
I live to eat, while you don’t even eat to live. You eat to punish and torture, and I rebuke your nutritional S&M.
Replacing Cookies and Cakes
“Try with Greek yogurt or fresh fruit.”
Now you know very well that no one who has a craving for a chocolate chip cookie is going to be happy with a kiwi.
At least try some realistic advice like “top your piece of triple chocolate cake with some sliced strawberries to add some vitamins and fiber to your grim diet dessert.”
Replacing French Fries
“Potatoes are best consumed boiled, not fried.”
Oh, I see you want to fight now.
A baked potato will NEVER be better than a potato chip.
Unless you boil them, mash them, add 3 cups of full cream, a knob of butter, and a handful of salt. Is that what you meant? If so, then we don’t have to fight.
We can only agree to disagree because fries are even better.
Replacing Low-Carb Nutrition Bars
“Aim for foods that are naturally low in carbs, which include eggs, seafood, and leafy greens.”
There’s a reason they make these bars — they’re supposed to be convenient to take on-the-go.
I am not going to be driving to work munching away on a head of lettuce, or sitting at my desk feeling peckish and whipping out a halibut.
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